Archive | August 2012

Buy the Gift Your Woman Wants, seriously.

Honestly, it is the gift that counts. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how it is.

If you ask me what I want, and I give you an item in a box, I expect you to get me that exact item in that’s in that exact box. At the very least, I expect that exact item.

If you cannot get that exactly, then buy me something else completely, or ask me where to find what I want or what else you can give me that I want.

I know this is hard to grasp, gentlemen, but pay attention here. Perfume 101 — when you buy a lady perfume, if you do not buy the exact bottle shape, size, style she always uses, it is not that perfume.

It’s probably a knock off or  a “new” version of the old perfume that she really likes (hence the manufacturer put it in a new bottle), which means you’ll have to look a little harder and spend a little more for what she wants, but she’s worth it right?

Perfume makers tend to update their scents and reinvent them slightly to go with current trends in perfume. They do this every dozen years or so.

A perfume that was born in 1922, might be remade in 1977, and again in 1980, and again in 1995 and again in 1999.  Each time, it will be slightly or radically different.

Your lady might find the 1980 and the 1995 not that different, but the 1999 version might suddenly be so different it smells to her like something the whores on Canal Street would wear.

So, take this message to heart!

If she’s handing you a visual aid and saying: Bring me this. You better be damn sure you get her that because if you get her a different “version” of perfume, she’ll feel insulted. Like you didn’t care enough — even after she told you what she wanted and gave you a visual aid — to get her the right thing.

Really.  And that’s your relationship in the toilet because you will not be sniffing, kissing or otherwise caressing any body part she sprayed with her current perfume, trust me.

And yes, I think the “new” 1999 updated version shown below smells so bad I scrubbed it off my arm and threw out the bottle and the person that had the gall to give it to me! — and it’s a really ugly stupid bottle too! Relationship status: OVER.

Rep. Todd Akin Buys The Rabbit

I know that many Republicans wish people would stop tinkering with America’s sacred 18th-century Constitution. But I did not realize that some Republicans still actually lived in the 18th century.

For anyone that missed Missouri Rep. Todd Akin’s spectacular faux pas (and frankly, I don’t think there should be any kind of faux pas other than spectacular, or what is the point of making it at all), the man claimed that medical science backed a theory that a woman who has been raped cannot conceive a child by her rapist unless she wanted to (that is, it wasn’t really, truly rape).

Um . . . yeah. Okay . . . .

My problem with Rep. Akin’s view, is that the medical science he so eloquently speaks of was that which prevailed in the 1700s. And based on that view, in the 18th century,  if a man was brought to court on rape charges and the woman who claimed rape showed up to court claiming to be pregnant by him, the case was dismissed because obviously she was pregnant and ipso facto she had therefore consented to the sex, no matter what she claimed now.

Needless to say, such a woman thus shamed generally withdrew from society, or killed herself  and her child.

The result was not much better if raped woman showed up not pregnant. Most of the time these cases were dismissed as not proven, because typically no one saw the rape or (and this one is based on the Bible!) people were around but “she did not cry out” (you know, because she was obviously enjoying it, not because she was in fear of death). A male rapist was also almost always acquitted –especially if he was from a better income bracket or family than the victim. And as for incest? Oh please! No one believed the words of a little girl, ever.

See the 18th-century “anti-female” slant here? [update: For the historical on the facts, see yesterday’s LA Times Op-Ed piece by historian Thomas A Foster on Rep. Todd Akin’s ideas about rape hark back to the Colonial era]

So, all due respect to the 18th century, Missouri and Sen. Akin, but I’ll stay in the 21st-century and far away from Missouri and Sen Akin, thank you.

(Buying the Rabbit is a century-old expression meaning making a mistake that is bound to result in censure)

Today I killed a Bonsai.

For reasons I don’t quite understand, my bonsai died, though, I doubt it was the *peep’s fault. One day I walked out and the top third was all rust color. Then a few days later, the middle turned. Then at last the bottom turned, and it was gone.

The tree had always been cared for in the proper manner. It was 4 when I recieved it, and about 16 when it died. It was given to me one Christmas by 2 friends, one of whom died the following spring.

I must confess I felt a certain obligation  to keep it alive, as if the friendship was continuing through the little tree. In time the other friend moved away. After about 5 years, we lost contact. It’s over 2 since there’s been a text or tweet or any sign of life.

As I looked at the tree last night, I thought, why am I hanging on to something that’s dead? And so I went to the market and picked up some cheap and cheerful potted plants –a  miniature red rose, two persian violets, and an orange begonia — to which I  have no attachment.

This morning I plucked the dead tree from its pot (which I am keeping) and threw it out. I repotted my 99 cent flowering plants and stuck them on the bench where my bonsai had been. I felt amazingly better.

Every time I look out my kitchen window and see those happy living things between the two chaise lounges on the back porch, I think of all the good times with good friends that I’m going to have, not of the good friends I’ve lost over time.

I think we often hang on to dead things in our lives, not realizing we ought to let go. I think I’m going to be throwing out a lot of things this week. And then I’m going to invite some friends for champagne and seafood in my newly perfumed garden.

*The peep continues to reside al fresco, under the rosebush.

Oh, please! When is an ass-landing medal worthy?

Gregory Bull/Associated Press
McKayla Maroney, the reigning world champion, ended up with the silver medal after landing on her rear on her second vault.

Okay, I’ll say it. The girl above was given a Silver medal and $10,000 for the above wipeout. The man below was disqualified from the competition.

Not be indelicate but, it is far more difficult for a living, breathing, moving  athlete in an ever-changing outdoor environment to fall off another living, breathing, moving athlete (don’t ask how I know this, please) than it is for a living, breathing, moving athlete in a controlled, indoor environment to fall off a stationary object.

When an athlete falls off a horse in the equestrian division, that athlete is disqualified.  When an athlete falls off a vault horse and lands on her ass in gymnastics, that’s a one point deduction. Does that sound like equal treatment to you?

Yoshiaki Oiwa, who had come into the event with little international expectation of a win, but achieved a stunning first place in the Dressage, falls in the Cross Country section of the 3-Day Event and is therefore disqualified from continuing the course to compete for Team Japan.

My Hero

Switzerland’s Fabian Cancellara prepares to compete in the men’s cycling road race at the London 2012 Olympic Games July 28, 2012. REUTERS/P

Decidedly a medal won is a medal earned, and I cannot say how happy I am for Wiggo and Froome for their Time Trial wins.  However, Fabian Cancellara remains for me the Olympian.

He did honor to his country and his family just by showing up and completing the race after the tremendous road race crash only a few days ago in which he was injured. He could have bailed. He didn’t.  Truly he is an inspiration to the world, and that’s just what an Olympian should be.

I do wish there were a “Most Agressive Rider” award at the Olympics, but alas there is not. Still, he’s my hero